I have been writing lately an occasional series about the changing funeral and burial customs in Judaism. I had planned to write several posts last week only to be interrupted in that by two funerals. Of course the death of Debbie Friedman last Sunday and her funeral last Tuesday and then the death of a great World War II vet last Saturday and his funeral on Thursday were examples of lots of changes in Jewish funerals.
There is a lot of misunderstanding about funeral timing. Yes we Jews are supposed to have the funeral quickly after death.The Torah teaches us you shall not leave a corpse unburied overnight. And understands this as you shall bury it the same day. The whole idea is Kavod Hamet- to honor and respect the dead. This is a loved one not just a body. And so to give respect and honor to the person you pay attention to him or her and take care of the business of ensuring a proper burial.
There is much wisdom in a quick burial. There is emotional wisdom. When the funeral plans are drawn out over many days and sometimes weeks it creates havoc for the mourners. Their emotions are already in roller coaster mode over the loss of dear one. But to drag out the funeral and memorial adds layers upon layers of stress and sadness because a death isn’t really final until there is an opportunity to remember and honor a life. That is my frustration when I hear people say “I don’t want a funeral.” A funeral isn’t for the dead but for the living. Those that survived to provide a rite of passage for their grief.
Debbie Friedman’s funeral was unique in the way it linked mourners world-wide. It was for her family and close friends. More than 800 people showed up to Temple Beth Sholom in Santa Ana. But more than 7000 computers were linked world-wide to watch and participate in her funeral. This is astounding. It wasn’t just a virtual funeral service. I know folks who sang along and stood for the chanting of the El Maleh Rachamim prayer when those of us who were actually in the sanctuary at Temple Beth Sholom did. They attended. This is certainly a new phenomena.
The second funeral mentioned above of the World War II vet is an example of some forces beyond the Jewish world. In regard to timing it would have been best to have his funeral Monday or Tuesday following a Shabbat afternoon death. But the family had to wait until Thursday for the funeral service. But still had to wait longer to bury him–that won’t happen until Tuesday of this coming week. Not the way Jewish custom and tradition demand. But he was a veteran and it was very important to him to be buried in the U.S. Military Cemetery and have full military honors at his funeral. So the best we could do was to have the service five days after he died to include the honor guard. And then because the U.S. Military Cemetery tells you when you can bury rather than work with you (the sheer volume in the last ten years because of two wars and additionally all of the military vets especially of World War II passing away is tremendous). They tell you when and what time. And you have 30 minutes to complete a burial service. But you can’t even stand next to the grave as is Jewish custom, nor place earth in the internment site. Rather you only get to witness from afar.
So Jewish funeral customs are changing and being impacted by the world around us. As for me I still want it the old-fashioned way-in the ground quickly when the time comes.
One thought on “The Funerals are a changin’”
I was “there” at Debbie’s funeral, along with the more than 11,000 people who logged in via the synagogue and URJ’s websites. I was grateful to be able to be present, to hear in real time the wonderful things everyone said, and to experience the music. An additional phenomenon was the way those of us who attended virtually shared with one another. The whole time the funeral was being streamed, many of us tweeted our way through, using the hashtag #debbiefriedman. We ‘back channeled’ with one another, commenting and virtually hugging one another in support. It was quite amazing to me how connected I felt while watching the funeral on the computer in one window and tweeting away in another. Still others were using the chat function on the stream to connect, even “shushing” people when the conversation got inappropriate. As a tech person I’ll be the first to admit that my vote is still for being actually present to comfort the mourners, but when that’s impossible, the technology was, for me, a good second choice.